What A Shitty Day!

Its 12:30am... I can't believe I'm awake. Well really I can't believe I'm awake updating this blog. Crazy! Anyone that knows me know that I hate getting on the computer after a long day at work being on the computer. But anyway, I came on to I guess just to keep this going.

I had a really long and stressful day today. I'm currently very tired, sleepy and hungry. I'll be having cereal shortly, then going to bed. So yesterday remember I was saying that I wasn't sure if I'd go through with trying to hold on to the guy I've been seeing on the low (lets call him Mike), or just leave us as we now are, "Just Friends?" Well later that night I made a decision, and I sent him a text expressing how I felt. Fortunately he didn't receive it b/c he was in an area w/ no reception, plus his phone is crappy anyway.

I say fortunately b/c what I sent him, which I have saved/locked in my phone, pretty much was just the opposite of what he wants right now. So I guess we shall remain friends. You know, I think he did receive it but just doesn't want to say he did, that way it would be easier for him to I guess break it to me again that he's pretty much tired of our mini-dramas regardless of how I feel. But maybe thats just me being neurotic in thinking so, as he seems to always be honest with me. Now usually, I don't give up on someone I want that easily, however, I think this time I might just let it be.

Today during work, in addition to all the fuckin stress and pressure I had to get this HIGH PRIORITY project done for my bosses, I had to deal with my emotions. I won't lie, I was kind of hurt, which made me sad, and semi-depressed, but I was too busy and angry and stressed (work related reasons) to be depressed.... but I still felt my heart aching inside and I tried to ignore it as best as I could.

Now I talk to Mike on a daily basis, except weekends when he prefers to be left alone (for the most part) b/c he's so busy. So even though I always miss him like crazy, especially on the weekends, I try my best not to call or text him. I give him his space, and I figure hey, if he wanted to talk to me or was thinking about me, he'd call me right?! But I digress! So now we're on this "Just Friends" BS, which if you don't realize by now it's NOT what I want, and I have to try to act like I'm NOT hurt about it. Act like everything is cool and we're cool, etc., etc. I won't lie, it makes me not want to communicate w/ him anymore if I have to fake the funk (as they say). But, at the same time, he is who I speak to the most on a daily basis so I'm used to him and he's kind of my sanity throughout the day. Now, however, things have changed so I can't really be how I used to be with him, and the effect he once had on me is no longer the same b/c there's a cloud of sadness blocking the sunshine he brought into my life everyday.

Its weird... so dramatic. I feel like I've broken up with my significant other and lost a really close friend in the process. How the hell does one go back to Just Friends after we've shared so much more than that, physically and emotionally? How do I look at him as Just a Friend when when I look at him its with pure love and all the emotions inside of me just comes shooting through my body. I feel the love for him w/ every being in my body. Its so strong, just writing about it makes the hair on my arms tingle. Its electric! So if anyone knows how to successfully disregard all of those feelings and be Just Friends, please let me know b/c I need the answer.


I'm so glad I'm more mature now. The younger me would've just found an ex to turn to for the comfort and love that I need, the distraction I need to numb the heartache that I try so hard to deny mentally, but feel it emotionally, and for the sex that I desire. I won't lie, the thought crosses my mind to go that route, but then I remember that I have grown, and that's not the way to deal with my problems. And when I start to think like that, I'm proud of myself for behaving myself. God knows its hard when you're feeling vulnerable, which reminds me of a girl I work with (young lady rather). She's so much like me. We stayed late at work tonight/last night and eventually ended up having a one on one session about guys, relationships, her issues, etc., and as I listened to her speak and expose some of her more vulnerable thoughts, I thought to myself...wow, I can't believe we think so alike and feel the same way about certain things, etc. It was just nice to know that there's someone right there at work that can relate. She's a really cool person. Very nice female. I like her a lot, and I don't often like females (but thats another story).

Well anyway, now that I'm starving and have to be awake and refreshed in 5hrs, I'm gonna get my cereal ready. I hope my day tomorrow, or I should say later today, is better. I'm sure in time I'll be able to be okay with this Just Friends BS, but for now I feel like someone is hitting me in my heart with a ton of bricks everytime I have to have "platonic friends" conversations with him...but really it hits the hardest whenever I see him, which is often enough (its unavoidable). Its like I see him, ALL MY FEELINGS for him rushes throughout my body and my heart starts aching, and then I try to harden it so I don't feel it, but unfortunately most times it doesn't work, so I just have to walk away, or try to keep my distance as often as possible. I can tell from now this is gonna suck! Thank goodness I don't drink! By the way, if you can't tell by now, I'm an overly emotional & sensitive person, and NO, its NOT BY CHOICE!! It's highly annoying, really! But I digress once again...

I'm off to eat & then later to bed. I can't believe its already 1:30am. This blog thing is quite time consuming. I didn't proof read so if someone stumbles upon this and find errors, hey, its late & I'm tired... I got over it.