I finally have clarity. Things are going great. I'm feeling great and life is looking up!
I turned to God for the clarity and strength that I needed to let go and be free of all the things that has had me in a foul mood for far too long. I must say that I've been in such a great mood lately thanks to Him. Only He could've gotten me out of my rut. All praises be unto Him.
I feel like I've stepped out of the dark and into the light. I'm going to church again (well bible study, but its pretty much the same thing), and I've started back at the gym again. My mind is right, my heart is great, I'm filled with faith and I have lots of love and joy and peace inside me now. Its really true that once you get to know God, or get a better understanding of His word & promises for you & your life... it changes things for the better, once you decide to stay in faith and live a righteous life. I'm not saying I'm a saint all of a sudden, but I'm definitely working on getting on track and in line with God's word.
I recently celebrated Yom Kippur, even though I'm not Jewish. My church which is Christian, celebrated it b/c the day of ATONEMENT is the most important day recognized by God. I'm not going to go into details, seeing that I just learned about it, but it required fasting from sundown to sundown (1 day), which I did and felt fantastic about. I actually fasted for 29.5hrs (no food, no beverages, not even water). This is a big thing for me seeing that I usually get hungry rather quickly and then get aggrevated, experience hunger pains, headaches, etc., if I don't satisfy that need to eat. However, though I did get hungry many, many times, I was able to control it, through discipline and focus and faith that God would allow me to get through it. Plus, I knew I was doing it for a greater good. I mean, how could I deny God of a task in which I'm well able to complete (though before hand I didn't think I could)? After all that Jesus has been through for us, and the blessings and miracles that God has bestowed upon us, how could I deny Him something as small as fasting for a day?
I have an unexplanable joy coming from within everyday now. I'm finally happy and at peace (for the most part). One of the #1 things I needed to do was learn to not give a F about trying to please everyone and having everyone like me. That was a problem, but no more. For example, for whatever reason, Mike has decided to stop talking to me and this is fine. Now he can say its b/c he's been so busy, etc, but by now I know when he's too busy to talk and when he's just not talking to me at all. But either way, I'm fine. Normally I'd be all concerned and worried and try to find out what the problem is and how I can make it right, but now you know what... I don't care! I couldn't give a sh*t less what the problem is. I had to learn that not everyone is gonna like me. Not everyone is going to agree with my thoughts or attitude, and not everyone is going to fully understand me. Not everyone is always going to be cool w/ me or okay w/ me, and now... thats fine with me. My New attitude is: Like me, love me, or don't, it doesn't matter b/c God loves me. Jesus loves me. And honestly, if you really think about it, thats all that really matters. I'm not saying I'm going to go overboard and be an a**hole about my attitude, people, and life, but I will continue to definitely remember that whenever I unnecessarily start to care too much about what people think about me.
Another thing I had to realize was that not everyone that you think should be or you want to remain in your life, will. People come into your life to play a certain role for either a short period of time, longterm, or permanently. Learn what you learn from whatever you experience with them and move on when its time. More importantly, move on w/o having any doubts or regrets about it if you know if its the right thing to do, or what needs to be done. Don't second guess yourself. God always has a plan, and a better one at that, for you and your life when things don't work out the way you'd like it to. Just leave it to Him... put your trust in Him and you'll be fine. That is what I've come to realize and again, I must say, I feel A LOT BETTER about everyting that once bothered me.
Anger management... working on that too. I want to work on all the issues that are negative in my life and either make them positive, or just let them go, period!
Anyway, I just wanted to share my new found joy, peace, strength and love from within and from above.... I will keep up the positive attitude for as long as I can, make peace w/ whomever I need to do so with, let go of all negative things- people & baggage, and focus on becoming a better person.....Being the best that I can be, and always putting God first!
In the words of Joel Osteen.... "My best days are yet to come."
12:51pm (@ work)
Monday, October 13, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
GREAT ADVICE!!
A friend of mine sent this to me recently. I meant to post it yesterday as part of what I wrote.
I remember receiving this same thing a couple years back and thought it was soooooooo TRUE. I still believe its words to live by..... all great advice, especially the 1st three sentences.
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't 'be friends'.
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle.
If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think 'it will get better'
You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
You cannot change a man's behavior.
* Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...
Even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...
Compromise is two way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...
There is nothing cute about baggage....
Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...
A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... >
Look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes...
When a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.
Never move into his mother's house.
Never co-sign for a man.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
*Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in relationships that are abusive or hurtful: Dr. Phil
You should know that: You're the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you, he'll miss out on a good thing.
If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he's not the only one.
Ladies take care of your own hearts....
Share this with other women and men (just so they know)... You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare.
I remember receiving this same thing a couple years back and thought it was soooooooo TRUE. I still believe its words to live by..... all great advice, especially the 1st three sentences.
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't 'be friends'.
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle.
If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think 'it will get better'
You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
You cannot change a man's behavior.
* Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...
Even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...
Compromise is two way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...
There is nothing cute about baggage....
Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...
A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... >
Look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes...
When a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.
Never move into his mother's house.
Never co-sign for a man.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
*Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in relationships that are abusive or hurtful: Dr. Phil
You should know that: You're the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you, he'll miss out on a good thing.
If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he's not the only one.
Ladies take care of your own hearts....
Share this with other women and men (just so they know)... You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Another Day!
It's been a very long time since I've posted anything. A lot has happened since then, which I don't have the time to write about now, seeing that I'm still at work (8:16pm). I would however like to add this conversation I had via IM with a friend. Its in reference to Mike.
Me: :(
Friend: bad day?
Me: long day but I'm more disturbed by something "Mike" told me earlier, though I shouldn't care at all
Me: I feel like I'm a teenager in high school
Friend: did you have drama like this in high school?
Me: no not really.....welllllllllllllll...... it was alot worse emotionally w/ one person I was blindedly in love w/
Me: Why do we ask questions we don't really want the answers to?
Me: Here's the conversation:
Me:I was going to ask you the most inappropriate question.
Mike: what was the question?
Me: if you had sex since we last did
blah blah blah we had a lil extra conversation in between, and then:
Mike: For your information. No I actually didn't have sex with anyone
Mike: I did mess around though. That's about it
Me: thats between me & him
Me: Why does that bolded part bother me soooooooooooo much?
Me: I'm not supposed to care
Me: yet I felt all types of way after he said it
Me: that shit just killed any type of urge I had to do anything w/ him again
Friend: you know why it bothers you
Me: what kinda psychological shit response is that?
Friend: no psych shit, just being blunt
Me: I shouldn't give a shit though. It shouldn't bother me. But I think it actually hurt my feelings as well.... b/c I was internalizing it
Me...: ugh
Friend: you had feelings and were trying to control your physical desires, and he was at the opposite end of the spectrum doing whatever he wanted, which bothers you
Me: :(
Me: I HATE GUYS!! Fuckin whores yo!
Me: sorry, no offense
Friend: lol
Friend: so what part are you actually surprised at?
Me: LOL... you're funny
Me: that he messed around PERIOD!
Friend: that surprises you?
Me: And of course w/o a definition of "messed around" I'm thinking the worse most extreme shit
Me: Yes it does. Sad right?
Me: You would think I know better!
Me: I think I put up blinders when it comes to him.... and build him up to be more than he is....
Me: which of course affects my better judgment
Me: if this was some regular n*gga I know, I would think so differently about all that has gone down from the beginning to now and I would instantly label him a liar or a player.
Me: I will continue to pray about it
Me: I'm trying so fuckin hard to be ok, w/o the having feelings for him or anything.
Friend: you will be ok
Friend: so don't worry about that
Me: :) Thank you! I appreciate that.
Friend: ;)
I'm only posting this b/c this friend made me feel better. I was having a really long and annoying day... and Mike's comment didn't help at all. But I asked for the truth and I definitely do appreciate it. It surely puts things in better perspective.
I guess the news surprised me b/c I just figured that.... I guess I figured that being that he (Mike) wasnt.... whatever. It makes no sense to go into it. The point is, I thought that like me he wasn't/ wouldnt be messing around, for reasons I won't mention, but I guess not. A guy will be a guy right? I have a strong sense that he didn't want to be in a relationship not only b/c he didn't have time for it, but really b/c he wasn't ready to have the freedom & luxury of doing him, come to an end. But as I said a lot earlier, I shouldn't care. After all, its not like we're together or he's obligated to be a certain way.
Emotions are one hell of a thing. They feel one way even though the mind knows better.
Live and learn... Everything happens for a reason. I tend to feel now that he isn't the one for me, just b/c..... it wouldn't be like this if he were. People who are 100% about who/what they want "make it happen," period!
For now we remain friends and friends only.
Me: :(
Friend: bad day?
Me: long day but I'm more disturbed by something "Mike" told me earlier, though I shouldn't care at all
Me: I feel like I'm a teenager in high school
Friend: did you have drama like this in high school?
Me: no not really.....welllllllllllllll...... it was alot worse emotionally w/ one person I was blindedly in love w/
Me: Why do we ask questions we don't really want the answers to?
Me: Here's the conversation:
Me:I was going to ask you the most inappropriate question.
Mike: what was the question?
Me: if you had sex since we last did
blah blah blah we had a lil extra conversation in between, and then:
Mike: For your information. No I actually didn't have sex with anyone
Mike: I did mess around though. That's about it
Me: thats between me & him
Me: Why does that bolded part bother me soooooooooooo much?
Me: I'm not supposed to care
Me: yet I felt all types of way after he said it
Me: that shit just killed any type of urge I had to do anything w/ him again
Friend: you know why it bothers you
Me: what kinda psychological shit response is that?
Friend: no psych shit, just being blunt
Me: I shouldn't give a shit though. It shouldn't bother me. But I think it actually hurt my feelings as well.... b/c I was internalizing it
Me...: ugh
Friend: you had feelings and were trying to control your physical desires, and he was at the opposite end of the spectrum doing whatever he wanted, which bothers you
Me: :(
Me: I HATE GUYS!! Fuckin whores yo!
Me: sorry, no offense
Friend: lol
Friend: so what part are you actually surprised at?
Me: LOL... you're funny
Me: that he messed around PERIOD!
Friend: that surprises you?
Me: And of course w/o a definition of "messed around" I'm thinking the worse most extreme shit
Me: Yes it does. Sad right?
Me: You would think I know better!
Me: I think I put up blinders when it comes to him.... and build him up to be more than he is....
Me: which of course affects my better judgment
Me: if this was some regular n*gga I know, I would think so differently about all that has gone down from the beginning to now and I would instantly label him a liar or a player.
Me: I will continue to pray about it
Me: I'm trying so fuckin hard to be ok, w/o the having feelings for him or anything.
Friend: you will be ok
Friend: so don't worry about that
Me: :) Thank you! I appreciate that.
Friend: ;)
I'm only posting this b/c this friend made me feel better. I was having a really long and annoying day... and Mike's comment didn't help at all. But I asked for the truth and I definitely do appreciate it. It surely puts things in better perspective.
I guess the news surprised me b/c I just figured that.... I guess I figured that being that he (Mike) wasnt.... whatever. It makes no sense to go into it. The point is, I thought that like me he wasn't/ wouldnt be messing around, for reasons I won't mention, but I guess not. A guy will be a guy right? I have a strong sense that he didn't want to be in a relationship not only b/c he didn't have time for it, but really b/c he wasn't ready to have the freedom & luxury of doing him, come to an end. But as I said a lot earlier, I shouldn't care. After all, its not like we're together or he's obligated to be a certain way.
Emotions are one hell of a thing. They feel one way even though the mind knows better.
Live and learn... Everything happens for a reason. I tend to feel now that he isn't the one for me, just b/c..... it wouldn't be like this if he were. People who are 100% about who/what they want "make it happen," period!
For now we remain friends and friends only.
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