This young lady. I look up to her b/c she's just fantastic. She has the personality of Oprah, Tyra, and a little bit of Wendy Williams in her. She has more than that though, but overall, she's a phenomenal woman. I really couldn't ask for a better friend.
I like her a lot b/c she keeps it very real with me all the time. She does not hesitate to speak her mind about things, especially when it comes to me and/or my actions, whether it will hurt my feelings or not. Now I don't mean she's barberic or anything, lol, but she gets the point out there. She's one of the very few people (well its mainly just her anyway) that can really get through to me when my judgment is clouded. Its weird. She doesn't have to say much, just by her sighs or comments I can tell what she's thinking and then I have a moment of clarity. A realization that what I'm doing is either right/wrong, considerate/inconsiderate, silly/serious.
So I was just taking to her about Mike and explained to her the situation. I guess after reading my previous blogs, one would assume that its a one sided story and I'm the one that's totally into him, while he isn't at all. Correction, for anyone that thinks so. Briefly I'll say this, and its true... yes, he does love me too. He does care about me a lot and he does not want me to be hurt, which is what happens when we have our mini-dramas. Also, he does not want to lose me, but at the same time he just want whats best for me; whatever will make me happy (or not sad). These are all his words, not mine. So just incase anyone thought differently b/c after I read through some of my posts (as if there's so many), I realized that it may see like I'm in love w/ a guy that has no interest in being w/ me. Again, this is not the case. I would go into more detail, but I rather not at the moment, as I am at work. Lets call this blogging time... me taking a cigarette break. I mean people who smoke get a break to smoke, so I should get a break to release my stress too. Although, presently I'm not at all stressed.
So its the weekend and I don't have any real plans. Well I know a few people that would like to hang out with me, but I don't know. We'll see. I actually have work-work to do since I kind of slacked off a bit today. Technically though, its not my fault. My computer has been acting up a lot today and shit has just been broken most of the time I try to test anything so that sucked!
Next topic.... so my bf Dana and some of her friends have decided to go on a weight loss diet with exercising, etc., together. I'm joining them as well. I need to lose 30 pounds and shape up. I'm currently NOT bikini material... but I'm not completely sloppy and disgusting though (even though in my head I think I am). Don't worry, I'm not bulemic or anorexic thinking that I'm fat or anything. I know I can still pass as looking in shape... (that is if you don't see my stomach). Its not too bad compared to others in the world, but to me its UNEXCEPTABLE!! So I hope to really get my shit together b/c whenever next I go on vacation for real, I wanna be confident that I look damn good and can wear whatever I want w/o any problems.
Anyway, its now 6:20pm and I want to leave, but my VP just assigned me a small project to work on. I love it. Friday @ 6:20PM, he sends this my way. I would be a little more upset, but the guilt of not really working that hard today is preventing that from happening. Besides, he's so great... I'd do just about anything (work-related) that he wants b/c lets face it, as long as he's happy, I'm happy. More importantly, my annual review is nearing (its in 3 months), so it doesn't hurt to go the extra mile for him. Not that he's the one conducting my review, but he always tells my boss how great/amazing/(and my personal favorite) glorious he thinks I am & in reference to the work that I do here. So really, it doesn't hurt to keep him happy. But honestly, he's a really cool & down to earth person who is constantly stressed out, so I'm always happy to help him out. Plus I love sarcastic people, which he definitely is. He's also the type of person that you can never really tell just by looking at him that he's extremely pissed off b/c he doesn't really show emotions. Me on the other hand, you can read it all over my face when I'm sad or upset or anything. And if not my face, you can see it in my eyes.
There was an interesting study done on being able to read one's emotions through their eyes even if they displayed no facial expressions. You could still tell. Very interesting Psychology article. Actually I think it was in my Psych book.
Anyway... times up. Its 6:48pm and my VP told me 15mins ago that I could leave, but I just wanted to finish this. I'm about to go have a brief conversation with Dr. K (a co-worker for those who didn't read my previous blog), hop on the train with him (if he's still around actually), and head home.
I can't believe I'm actually blogging. Lol!! This is so hilarious. I never took myself to be a blogger, but it really is good to just get everything all out, even if no one else reads it. But really, I'm just proud of myself for be consistant (thus far) with it. That's pretty cool. I hope I don't get addicted though. Isn't this kind of like talking to yourself, but just on the internet? If I voiced all this aloud as I walked the streets, wouldn't people think I'm crazy? Is this just a way for crazy people to feel sane about talking to themselves? LOL!!
Ok... 6:55pm. Work day's over and I think Dr. K is out already so now I'm out too.
Til next time...
Friday, August 22, 2008
A Better Day!
I'm at work right now. I'm currently very tired and wish I was in bed. I actually got to work early for once (9:58am). My boss is less than thrilled that I arrive at work after 10am so now I have to actually get it together and get here on time. UGH!! I am sooooooo NOT a morning person. Not that if I had to come in in the afternoon I'd be on time anyway. I'm just naturally a late person. I've been trying to work on that forever now. Every job I've had I've arrive late 9/10 times and they let me slide w/ it, so I guess I'm spoiled that way. It's a hard habit to break after so many years, but I'll try b/c I don't wanna upset my boss too much. She's a good person. This just means that I WONT be working extra extra late hours anymore. Well, I probably will seeing as I don't lead an interesting life, yet! Besides, I have this guy (Dr. Krunk) I converse with & at times hang out w/ in the office after work hours anyway. He's required to work late, so its not so bad being here late. We have good conversations and he's currently helping me with a sex product I want to invent. I kind of gave up on it already b/c I'm a bit lazy to go the extra mile to do ALL the required research for the product.
So far we came up with the name of it. That took like 3 late nights to come up with. I have an idea of how I want to market it, but that still needs some work. But before all of that, I need to do research on the type of material I want to be used for this product. Anyway, as I said, I kind of gave up on it. Dr. K was right, it has probably been invented already and out there somewhere. Thats the 1st thing we should've researched but I remember watching an HBO special on sex products and that wasn't on the list so... but enough about this. I gotta get back to work. Well I mean start anyway. LOL
I really don't feel like working today. Oh before I go I'll talk a little about yesterday. It wasn't as bad (emotionally) as the day before. I was busy at work for the most part so I had that distraction, but I had a talk (via IM) with Mike throughout the day about "us" and getting his feedback on what the real deal is. Since we both hate our mini dramas, I figured out a way to stop them permanently... he just need to say 3 words to me (no, not "I love you") & I'll do it. However, he couldn't just say it like that b/c I don't think thats what he really wants, but at the same time its what needs to be done for the drama to stop.
So instead of saying the 3 words he wrote about 3 sentences which basicallly required me to make a decision. After that we both got frustrated and I basically decided that I give up! So now we're officially just friends. About an hour or so after that we were in each others presence (very close too) for about 15mins and with every moment that passed that I wasn't distracted from what I was doing, all my feelings for him would just rush through my body and just hit me & then I'd feel sooo _________ inside for that time, then I'd snap out of it and continue what I was doing. It happened quite frequently. Then I spent an additional 15mins with him commuting home, but that wasn't too intense b/c I made lots of conversation with another friend I met on the train, so that was distracting for the most part.
Usually everytime I see him leave I feel like a part of me is leaving as well, leaving me a little less than complete... and in my mind I'm screaming, "Please don't go." Can you say attachment issues? LOL!! Can you say, seek therapy! Don't worry, I am. But I digress! So yesterday I felt that way too, but w/o the screaming in my head b/c I was working on letting him go. Speaking of which... this is how I'm working on letting him go.
I went home, early for once, excited that I could actually kick back and relax and get a decent nights sleep. Instead of doing just that though, I felt the need to get some stuff off my chest. Share/express my feelings to him via e-mail, in the form of songs w/ my personal commentary before listening to each one. It took 2hrs+ to find the songs that I felt best expressed my thoughts & how I felt (in regards to him). I used 8 songs and this is exactly how I sent them:
Just thought you should know: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fR-e5KJzREc
Another fact to know: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bbl9aNJC2AM&NR=1
When I spent the night w/ you I thought: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vo_0UXRY_rY&feature=related
I really can't..true thing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MxmthbKZYU
Just the chorus of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFjSTUT6XeE
Definitely SOOOOOOOO TRUE: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DyhRsIZWg_c
Well it wasn't the 1st time, but really once I got to know you I knew: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7CJEm906tJY&feature=related
and to end.....
When things are good w/ us: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TDlARx4tkwM&feature=related
I just thought he should have a little insight on my current feelings, but it wasn't intended in any way to attempt to change things between us now. We just have the type of relationship/friendship where we share whatever is on our mind at any time, regardless. I really like that aspect of our friendship.
So as I've been writing this entire new post, I've been listening to these songs. Some repeatedly (i.e. the 4th link- a favorite of mine & the last one... I LOVE that song soooooooooooo much. Its gonna be one of my wedding songs). You know how when you hear certain songs it hits your emotions and you can feel it throughout your entire body & you get goose bumps? Thats the effect that damn near all those songs have on me, especially those 2 I just specified.
Anyway, its getting late in the day and even though I still don't feel like working, I'm gonna start now... and continue to converse w/ Dr. K & others via IM. I have been feeling the urge to go back to school so I'm going to research info about different grad school programs, etc., b/c I just wanna get school over with already.
Well now that I'm well rested and was able to get my thoughts out in this post, I'm feeling better. I'm not super emotional or anything, and the day is looking up. The time now is 12:50pm. The day is somewhat almost over (in my head anyway).
Til next time...
So far we came up with the name of it. That took like 3 late nights to come up with. I have an idea of how I want to market it, but that still needs some work. But before all of that, I need to do research on the type of material I want to be used for this product. Anyway, as I said, I kind of gave up on it. Dr. K was right, it has probably been invented already and out there somewhere. Thats the 1st thing we should've researched but I remember watching an HBO special on sex products and that wasn't on the list so... but enough about this. I gotta get back to work. Well I mean start anyway. LOL
I really don't feel like working today. Oh before I go I'll talk a little about yesterday. It wasn't as bad (emotionally) as the day before. I was busy at work for the most part so I had that distraction, but I had a talk (via IM) with Mike throughout the day about "us" and getting his feedback on what the real deal is. Since we both hate our mini dramas, I figured out a way to stop them permanently... he just need to say 3 words to me (no, not "I love you") & I'll do it. However, he couldn't just say it like that b/c I don't think thats what he really wants, but at the same time its what needs to be done for the drama to stop.
So instead of saying the 3 words he wrote about 3 sentences which basicallly required me to make a decision. After that we both got frustrated and I basically decided that I give up! So now we're officially just friends. About an hour or so after that we were in each others presence (very close too) for about 15mins and with every moment that passed that I wasn't distracted from what I was doing, all my feelings for him would just rush through my body and just hit me & then I'd feel sooo _________ inside for that time, then I'd snap out of it and continue what I was doing. It happened quite frequently. Then I spent an additional 15mins with him commuting home, but that wasn't too intense b/c I made lots of conversation with another friend I met on the train, so that was distracting for the most part.
Usually everytime I see him leave I feel like a part of me is leaving as well, leaving me a little less than complete... and in my mind I'm screaming, "Please don't go." Can you say attachment issues? LOL!! Can you say, seek therapy! Don't worry, I am. But I digress! So yesterday I felt that way too, but w/o the screaming in my head b/c I was working on letting him go. Speaking of which... this is how I'm working on letting him go.
I went home, early for once, excited that I could actually kick back and relax and get a decent nights sleep. Instead of doing just that though, I felt the need to get some stuff off my chest. Share/express my feelings to him via e-mail, in the form of songs w/ my personal commentary before listening to each one. It took 2hrs+ to find the songs that I felt best expressed my thoughts & how I felt (in regards to him). I used 8 songs and this is exactly how I sent them:
Just thought you should know: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fR-e5KJzREc
Another fact to know: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bbl9aNJC2AM&NR=1
When I spent the night w/ you I thought: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vo_0UXRY_rY&feature=related
I really can't..true thing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MxmthbKZYU
Just the chorus of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFjSTUT6XeE
Definitely SOOOOOOOO TRUE: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DyhRsIZWg_c
Well it wasn't the 1st time, but really once I got to know you I knew: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7CJEm906tJY&feature=related
and to end.....
When things are good w/ us: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TDlARx4tkwM&feature=related
I just thought he should have a little insight on my current feelings, but it wasn't intended in any way to attempt to change things between us now. We just have the type of relationship/friendship where we share whatever is on our mind at any time, regardless. I really like that aspect of our friendship.
So as I've been writing this entire new post, I've been listening to these songs. Some repeatedly (i.e. the 4th link- a favorite of mine & the last one... I LOVE that song soooooooooooo much. Its gonna be one of my wedding songs). You know how when you hear certain songs it hits your emotions and you can feel it throughout your entire body & you get goose bumps? Thats the effect that damn near all those songs have on me, especially those 2 I just specified.
Anyway, its getting late in the day and even though I still don't feel like working, I'm gonna start now... and continue to converse w/ Dr. K & others via IM. I have been feeling the urge to go back to school so I'm going to research info about different grad school programs, etc., b/c I just wanna get school over with already.
Well now that I'm well rested and was able to get my thoughts out in this post, I'm feeling better. I'm not super emotional or anything, and the day is looking up. The time now is 12:50pm. The day is somewhat almost over (in my head anyway).
Til next time...
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
What A Shitty Day!
Its 12:30am... I can't believe I'm awake. Well really I can't believe I'm awake updating this blog. Crazy! Anyone that knows me know that I hate getting on the computer after a long day at work being on the computer. But anyway, I came on to I guess just to keep this going.
I had a really long and stressful day today. I'm currently very tired, sleepy and hungry. I'll be having cereal shortly, then going to bed. So yesterday remember I was saying that I wasn't sure if I'd go through with trying to hold on to the guy I've been seeing on the low (lets call him Mike), or just leave us as we now are, "Just Friends?" Well later that night I made a decision, and I sent him a text expressing how I felt. Fortunately he didn't receive it b/c he was in an area w/ no reception, plus his phone is crappy anyway.
I say fortunately b/c what I sent him, which I have saved/locked in my phone, pretty much was just the opposite of what he wants right now. So I guess we shall remain friends. You know, I think he did receive it but just doesn't want to say he did, that way it would be easier for him to I guess break it to me again that he's pretty much tired of our mini-dramas regardless of how I feel. But maybe thats just me being neurotic in thinking so, as he seems to always be honest with me. Now usually, I don't give up on someone I want that easily, however, I think this time I might just let it be.
Today during work, in addition to all the fuckin stress and pressure I had to get this HIGH PRIORITY project done for my bosses, I had to deal with my emotions. I won't lie, I was kind of hurt, which made me sad, and semi-depressed, but I was too busy and angry and stressed (work related reasons) to be depressed.... but I still felt my heart aching inside and I tried to ignore it as best as I could.
Now I talk to Mike on a daily basis, except weekends when he prefers to be left alone (for the most part) b/c he's so busy. So even though I always miss him like crazy, especially on the weekends, I try my best not to call or text him. I give him his space, and I figure hey, if he wanted to talk to me or was thinking about me, he'd call me right?! But I digress! So now we're on this "Just Friends" BS, which if you don't realize by now it's NOT what I want, and I have to try to act like I'm NOT hurt about it. Act like everything is cool and we're cool, etc., etc. I won't lie, it makes me not want to communicate w/ him anymore if I have to fake the funk (as they say). But, at the same time, he is who I speak to the most on a daily basis so I'm used to him and he's kind of my sanity throughout the day. Now, however, things have changed so I can't really be how I used to be with him, and the effect he once had on me is no longer the same b/c there's a cloud of sadness blocking the sunshine he brought into my life everyday.
Its weird... so dramatic. I feel like I've broken up with my significant other and lost a really close friend in the process. How the hell does one go back to Just Friends after we've shared so much more than that, physically and emotionally? How do I look at him as Just a Friend when when I look at him its with pure love and all the emotions inside of me just comes shooting through my body. I feel the love for him w/ every being in my body. Its so strong, just writing about it makes the hair on my arms tingle. Its electric! So if anyone knows how to successfully disregard all of those feelings and be Just Friends, please let me know b/c I need the answer.
I'm so glad I'm more mature now. The younger me would've just found an ex to turn to for the comfort and love that I need, the distraction I need to numb the heartache that I try so hard to deny mentally, but feel it emotionally, and for the sex that I desire. I won't lie, the thought crosses my mind to go that route, but then I remember that I have grown, and that's not the way to deal with my problems. And when I start to think like that, I'm proud of myself for behaving myself. God knows its hard when you're feeling vulnerable, which reminds me of a girl I work with (young lady rather). She's so much like me. We stayed late at work tonight/last night and eventually ended up having a one on one session about guys, relationships, her issues, etc., and as I listened to her speak and expose some of her more vulnerable thoughts, I thought to myself...wow, I can't believe we think so alike and feel the same way about certain things, etc. It was just nice to know that there's someone right there at work that can relate. She's a really cool person. Very nice female. I like her a lot, and I don't often like females (but thats another story).
Well anyway, now that I'm starving and have to be awake and refreshed in 5hrs, I'm gonna get my cereal ready. I hope my day tomorrow, or I should say later today, is better. I'm sure in time I'll be able to be okay with this Just Friends BS, but for now I feel like someone is hitting me in my heart with a ton of bricks everytime I have to have "platonic friends" conversations with him...but really it hits the hardest whenever I see him, which is often enough (its unavoidable). Its like I see him, ALL MY FEELINGS for him rushes throughout my body and my heart starts aching, and then I try to harden it so I don't feel it, but unfortunately most times it doesn't work, so I just have to walk away, or try to keep my distance as often as possible. I can tell from now this is gonna suck! Thank goodness I don't drink! By the way, if you can't tell by now, I'm an overly emotional & sensitive person, and NO, its NOT BY CHOICE!! It's highly annoying, really! But I digress once again...
I'm off to eat & then later to bed. I can't believe its already 1:30am. This blog thing is quite time consuming. I didn't proof read so if someone stumbles upon this and find errors, hey, its late & I'm tired... I got over it.
I had a really long and stressful day today. I'm currently very tired, sleepy and hungry. I'll be having cereal shortly, then going to bed. So yesterday remember I was saying that I wasn't sure if I'd go through with trying to hold on to the guy I've been seeing on the low (lets call him Mike), or just leave us as we now are, "Just Friends?" Well later that night I made a decision, and I sent him a text expressing how I felt. Fortunately he didn't receive it b/c he was in an area w/ no reception, plus his phone is crappy anyway.
I say fortunately b/c what I sent him, which I have saved/locked in my phone, pretty much was just the opposite of what he wants right now. So I guess we shall remain friends. You know, I think he did receive it but just doesn't want to say he did, that way it would be easier for him to I guess break it to me again that he's pretty much tired of our mini-dramas regardless of how I feel. But maybe thats just me being neurotic in thinking so, as he seems to always be honest with me. Now usually, I don't give up on someone I want that easily, however, I think this time I might just let it be.
Today during work, in addition to all the fuckin stress and pressure I had to get this HIGH PRIORITY project done for my bosses, I had to deal with my emotions. I won't lie, I was kind of hurt, which made me sad, and semi-depressed, but I was too busy and angry and stressed (work related reasons) to be depressed.... but I still felt my heart aching inside and I tried to ignore it as best as I could.
Now I talk to Mike on a daily basis, except weekends when he prefers to be left alone (for the most part) b/c he's so busy. So even though I always miss him like crazy, especially on the weekends, I try my best not to call or text him. I give him his space, and I figure hey, if he wanted to talk to me or was thinking about me, he'd call me right?! But I digress! So now we're on this "Just Friends" BS, which if you don't realize by now it's NOT what I want, and I have to try to act like I'm NOT hurt about it. Act like everything is cool and we're cool, etc., etc. I won't lie, it makes me not want to communicate w/ him anymore if I have to fake the funk (as they say). But, at the same time, he is who I speak to the most on a daily basis so I'm used to him and he's kind of my sanity throughout the day. Now, however, things have changed so I can't really be how I used to be with him, and the effect he once had on me is no longer the same b/c there's a cloud of sadness blocking the sunshine he brought into my life everyday.
Its weird... so dramatic. I feel like I've broken up with my significant other and lost a really close friend in the process. How the hell does one go back to Just Friends after we've shared so much more than that, physically and emotionally? How do I look at him as Just a Friend when when I look at him its with pure love and all the emotions inside of me just comes shooting through my body. I feel the love for him w/ every being in my body. Its so strong, just writing about it makes the hair on my arms tingle. Its electric! So if anyone knows how to successfully disregard all of those feelings and be Just Friends, please let me know b/c I need the answer.
I'm so glad I'm more mature now. The younger me would've just found an ex to turn to for the comfort and love that I need, the distraction I need to numb the heartache that I try so hard to deny mentally, but feel it emotionally, and for the sex that I desire. I won't lie, the thought crosses my mind to go that route, but then I remember that I have grown, and that's not the way to deal with my problems. And when I start to think like that, I'm proud of myself for behaving myself. God knows its hard when you're feeling vulnerable, which reminds me of a girl I work with (young lady rather). She's so much like me. We stayed late at work tonight/last night and eventually ended up having a one on one session about guys, relationships, her issues, etc., and as I listened to her speak and expose some of her more vulnerable thoughts, I thought to myself...wow, I can't believe we think so alike and feel the same way about certain things, etc. It was just nice to know that there's someone right there at work that can relate. She's a really cool person. Very nice female. I like her a lot, and I don't often like females (but thats another story).
Well anyway, now that I'm starving and have to be awake and refreshed in 5hrs, I'm gonna get my cereal ready. I hope my day tomorrow, or I should say later today, is better. I'm sure in time I'll be able to be okay with this Just Friends BS, but for now I feel like someone is hitting me in my heart with a ton of bricks everytime I have to have "platonic friends" conversations with him...but really it hits the hardest whenever I see him, which is often enough (its unavoidable). Its like I see him, ALL MY FEELINGS for him rushes throughout my body and my heart starts aching, and then I try to harden it so I don't feel it, but unfortunately most times it doesn't work, so I just have to walk away, or try to keep my distance as often as possible. I can tell from now this is gonna suck! Thank goodness I don't drink! By the way, if you can't tell by now, I'm an overly emotional & sensitive person, and NO, its NOT BY CHOICE!! It's highly annoying, really! But I digress once again...
I'm off to eat & then later to bed. I can't believe its already 1:30am. This blog thing is quite time consuming. I didn't proof read so if someone stumbles upon this and find errors, hey, its late & I'm tired... I got over it.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Heartache
I don't know how this blog thing really works but 2 people have encouraged me to create one, so here I am.
So today I took the day off because I just needed a f**kin break from my daily routine. I just did NOT feel like traveling by train into the city and being at work. Besides, I wasn't feeling that great anyway.
So the heartache. I've been seeing someone on the low for about 2 months now but we've known each other much longer than that. Its great b/c we love each other, etc., but the only thing is that his schedule is quite busy and he really doesn't have time for a relationship, which I eventually would want from him (as I'm getting older and this dating for fun seems like BS when I have a future to plan including having a husband and kids). Recently a tragic event occurred in which he had to deal with, and in the process he pretty much pushed me away to deal w/ it. Don't worry, the tragic event had nothing to do with me. So being the super emotional person I am, I got all my feelings out in an email and knowing that I would probably regret it, I sent it to him.
He responded this morning. After reading it I kind of lost my appetite. He didn't say anything f**ked up or anything, but he pretty much spoke his mind about certain issues and now we're pretty much going to revert back to just friends. We've tried this numerous times with very little success (being just friends). The weird thing about it though is that I know if I don't try to get him back, he'll really try to go through with this "just friends" BS. The question is, should I even try? I mean he's a really great guy an all, marriage material even, but I wonder if we really are better off just being friends now.
See, I've had a bunch of shitty relationships so you know when you find a good person, you should hold on to them? Well thats my take on anything regarding him... he's a great guy, work out whatever problems you guys have, and keep moving forward together. So with that mindframe, I think I should try to hold on to him. However, I'm sure there are other great guys out there so why try to hold on to this one in particular? Hmm... don't know. I think we developed a really close bond and I trust him more than I trust most people. I trust him with my heart & my emotions (which I tell you is no small thing). I tell him more things than I tell most people. And deep down inside, you know when you just KNOW someone is for you? I feel that way about him.
Well anyway, we'll see what happens. I'll be sure to give updates if I have the time.
So today I took the day off because I just needed a f**kin break from my daily routine. I just did NOT feel like traveling by train into the city and being at work. Besides, I wasn't feeling that great anyway.
So the heartache. I've been seeing someone on the low for about 2 months now but we've known each other much longer than that. Its great b/c we love each other, etc., but the only thing is that his schedule is quite busy and he really doesn't have time for a relationship, which I eventually would want from him (as I'm getting older and this dating for fun seems like BS when I have a future to plan including having a husband and kids). Recently a tragic event occurred in which he had to deal with, and in the process he pretty much pushed me away to deal w/ it. Don't worry, the tragic event had nothing to do with me. So being the super emotional person I am, I got all my feelings out in an email and knowing that I would probably regret it, I sent it to him.
He responded this morning. After reading it I kind of lost my appetite. He didn't say anything f**ked up or anything, but he pretty much spoke his mind about certain issues and now we're pretty much going to revert back to just friends. We've tried this numerous times with very little success (being just friends). The weird thing about it though is that I know if I don't try to get him back, he'll really try to go through with this "just friends" BS. The question is, should I even try? I mean he's a really great guy an all, marriage material even, but I wonder if we really are better off just being friends now.
See, I've had a bunch of shitty relationships so you know when you find a good person, you should hold on to them? Well thats my take on anything regarding him... he's a great guy, work out whatever problems you guys have, and keep moving forward together. So with that mindframe, I think I should try to hold on to him. However, I'm sure there are other great guys out there so why try to hold on to this one in particular? Hmm... don't know. I think we developed a really close bond and I trust him more than I trust most people. I trust him with my heart & my emotions (which I tell you is no small thing). I tell him more things than I tell most people. And deep down inside, you know when you just KNOW someone is for you? I feel that way about him.
Well anyway, we'll see what happens. I'll be sure to give updates if I have the time.
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