It's been a very long time since I've posted anything. A lot has happened since then, which I don't have the time to write about now, seeing that I'm still at work (8:16pm). I would however like to add this conversation I had via IM with a friend. Its in reference to Mike.
Me: :(
Friend: bad day?
Me: long day but I'm more disturbed by something "Mike" told me earlier, though I shouldn't care at all
Me: I feel like I'm a teenager in high school
Friend: did you have drama like this in high school?
Me: no not really.....welllllllllllllll...... it was alot worse emotionally w/ one person I was blindedly in love w/
Me: Why do we ask questions we don't really want the answers to?
Me: Here's the conversation:
Me:I was going to ask you the most inappropriate question.
Mike: what was the question?
Me: if you had sex since we last did
blah blah blah we had a lil extra conversation in between, and then:
Mike: For your information. No I actually didn't have sex with anyone
Mike: I did mess around though. That's about it
Me: thats between me & him
Me: Why does that bolded part bother me soooooooooooo much?
Me: I'm not supposed to care
Me: yet I felt all types of way after he said it
Me: that shit just killed any type of urge I had to do anything w/ him again
Friend: you know why it bothers you
Me: what kinda psychological shit response is that?
Friend: no psych shit, just being blunt
Me: I shouldn't give a shit though. It shouldn't bother me. But I think it actually hurt my feelings as well.... b/c I was internalizing it
Me...: ugh
Friend: you had feelings and were trying to control your physical desires, and he was at the opposite end of the spectrum doing whatever he wanted, which bothers you
Me: :(
Me: I HATE GUYS!! Fuckin whores yo!
Me: sorry, no offense
Friend: lol
Friend: so what part are you actually surprised at?
Me: LOL... you're funny
Me: that he messed around PERIOD!
Friend: that surprises you?
Me: And of course w/o a definition of "messed around" I'm thinking the worse most extreme shit
Me: Yes it does. Sad right?
Me: You would think I know better!
Me: I think I put up blinders when it comes to him.... and build him up to be more than he is....
Me: which of course affects my better judgment
Me: if this was some regular n*gga I know, I would think so differently about all that has gone down from the beginning to now and I would instantly label him a liar or a player.
Me: I will continue to pray about it
Me: I'm trying so fuckin hard to be ok, w/o the having feelings for him or anything.
Friend: you will be ok
Friend: so don't worry about that
Me: :) Thank you! I appreciate that.
Friend: ;)
I'm only posting this b/c this friend made me feel better. I was having a really long and annoying day... and Mike's comment didn't help at all. But I asked for the truth and I definitely do appreciate it. It surely puts things in better perspective.
I guess the news surprised me b/c I just figured that.... I guess I figured that being that he (Mike) wasnt.... whatever. It makes no sense to go into it. The point is, I thought that like me he wasn't/ wouldnt be messing around, for reasons I won't mention, but I guess not. A guy will be a guy right? I have a strong sense that he didn't want to be in a relationship not only b/c he didn't have time for it, but really b/c he wasn't ready to have the freedom & luxury of doing him, come to an end. But as I said a lot earlier, I shouldn't care. After all, its not like we're together or he's obligated to be a certain way.
Emotions are one hell of a thing. They feel one way even though the mind knows better.
Live and learn... Everything happens for a reason. I tend to feel now that he isn't the one for me, just b/c..... it wouldn't be like this if he were. People who are 100% about who/what they want "make it happen," period!
For now we remain friends and friends only.
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