I finally have clarity. Things are going great. I'm feeling great and life is looking up!
I turned to God for the clarity and strength that I needed to let go and be free of all the things that has had me in a foul mood for far too long. I must say that I've been in such a great mood lately thanks to Him. Only He could've gotten me out of my rut. All praises be unto Him.
I feel like I've stepped out of the dark and into the light. I'm going to church again (well bible study, but its pretty much the same thing), and I've started back at the gym again. My mind is right, my heart is great, I'm filled with faith and I have lots of love and joy and peace inside me now. Its really true that once you get to know God, or get a better understanding of His word & promises for you & your life... it changes things for the better, once you decide to stay in faith and live a righteous life. I'm not saying I'm a saint all of a sudden, but I'm definitely working on getting on track and in line with God's word.
I recently celebrated Yom Kippur, even though I'm not Jewish. My church which is Christian, celebrated it b/c the day of ATONEMENT is the most important day recognized by God. I'm not going to go into details, seeing that I just learned about it, but it required fasting from sundown to sundown (1 day), which I did and felt fantastic about. I actually fasted for 29.5hrs (no food, no beverages, not even water). This is a big thing for me seeing that I usually get hungry rather quickly and then get aggrevated, experience hunger pains, headaches, etc., if I don't satisfy that need to eat. However, though I did get hungry many, many times, I was able to control it, through discipline and focus and faith that God would allow me to get through it. Plus, I knew I was doing it for a greater good. I mean, how could I deny God of a task in which I'm well able to complete (though before hand I didn't think I could)? After all that Jesus has been through for us, and the blessings and miracles that God has bestowed upon us, how could I deny Him something as small as fasting for a day?
I have an unexplanable joy coming from within everyday now. I'm finally happy and at peace (for the most part). One of the #1 things I needed to do was learn to not give a F about trying to please everyone and having everyone like me. That was a problem, but no more. For example, for whatever reason, Mike has decided to stop talking to me and this is fine. Now he can say its b/c he's been so busy, etc, but by now I know when he's too busy to talk and when he's just not talking to me at all. But either way, I'm fine. Normally I'd be all concerned and worried and try to find out what the problem is and how I can make it right, but now you know what... I don't care! I couldn't give a sh*t less what the problem is. I had to learn that not everyone is gonna like me. Not everyone is going to agree with my thoughts or attitude, and not everyone is going to fully understand me. Not everyone is always going to be cool w/ me or okay w/ me, and now... thats fine with me. My New attitude is: Like me, love me, or don't, it doesn't matter b/c God loves me. Jesus loves me. And honestly, if you really think about it, thats all that really matters. I'm not saying I'm going to go overboard and be an a**hole about my attitude, people, and life, but I will continue to definitely remember that whenever I unnecessarily start to care too much about what people think about me.
Another thing I had to realize was that not everyone that you think should be or you want to remain in your life, will. People come into your life to play a certain role for either a short period of time, longterm, or permanently. Learn what you learn from whatever you experience with them and move on when its time. More importantly, move on w/o having any doubts or regrets about it if you know if its the right thing to do, or what needs to be done. Don't second guess yourself. God always has a plan, and a better one at that, for you and your life when things don't work out the way you'd like it to. Just leave it to Him... put your trust in Him and you'll be fine. That is what I've come to realize and again, I must say, I feel A LOT BETTER about everyting that once bothered me.
Anger management... working on that too. I want to work on all the issues that are negative in my life and either make them positive, or just let them go, period!
Anyway, I just wanted to share my new found joy, peace, strength and love from within and from above.... I will keep up the positive attitude for as long as I can, make peace w/ whomever I need to do so with, let go of all negative things- people & baggage, and focus on becoming a better person.....Being the best that I can be, and always putting God first!
In the words of Joel Osteen.... "My best days are yet to come."
12:51pm (@ work)
Monday, October 13, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
GREAT ADVICE!!
A friend of mine sent this to me recently. I meant to post it yesterday as part of what I wrote.
I remember receiving this same thing a couple years back and thought it was soooooooo TRUE. I still believe its words to live by..... all great advice, especially the 1st three sentences.
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't 'be friends'.
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle.
If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think 'it will get better'
You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
You cannot change a man's behavior.
* Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...
Even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...
Compromise is two way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...
There is nothing cute about baggage....
Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...
A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... >
Look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes...
When a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.
Never move into his mother's house.
Never co-sign for a man.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
*Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in relationships that are abusive or hurtful: Dr. Phil
You should know that: You're the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you, he'll miss out on a good thing.
If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he's not the only one.
Ladies take care of your own hearts....
Share this with other women and men (just so they know)... You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare.
I remember receiving this same thing a couple years back and thought it was soooooooo TRUE. I still believe its words to live by..... all great advice, especially the 1st three sentences.
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't 'be friends'.
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle.
If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think 'it will get better'
You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
You cannot change a man's behavior.
* Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...
Even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...
Compromise is two way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...
There is nothing cute about baggage....
Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...
A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... >
Look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes...
When a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.
Never move into his mother's house.
Never co-sign for a man.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
*Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in relationships that are abusive or hurtful: Dr. Phil
You should know that: You're the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you, he'll miss out on a good thing.
If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he's not the only one.
Ladies take care of your own hearts....
Share this with other women and men (just so they know)... You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Another Day!
It's been a very long time since I've posted anything. A lot has happened since then, which I don't have the time to write about now, seeing that I'm still at work (8:16pm). I would however like to add this conversation I had via IM with a friend. Its in reference to Mike.
Me: :(
Friend: bad day?
Me: long day but I'm more disturbed by something "Mike" told me earlier, though I shouldn't care at all
Me: I feel like I'm a teenager in high school
Friend: did you have drama like this in high school?
Me: no not really.....welllllllllllllll...... it was alot worse emotionally w/ one person I was blindedly in love w/
Me: Why do we ask questions we don't really want the answers to?
Me: Here's the conversation:
Me:I was going to ask you the most inappropriate question.
Mike: what was the question?
Me: if you had sex since we last did
blah blah blah we had a lil extra conversation in between, and then:
Mike: For your information. No I actually didn't have sex with anyone
Mike: I did mess around though. That's about it
Me: thats between me & him
Me: Why does that bolded part bother me soooooooooooo much?
Me: I'm not supposed to care
Me: yet I felt all types of way after he said it
Me: that shit just killed any type of urge I had to do anything w/ him again
Friend: you know why it bothers you
Me: what kinda psychological shit response is that?
Friend: no psych shit, just being blunt
Me: I shouldn't give a shit though. It shouldn't bother me. But I think it actually hurt my feelings as well.... b/c I was internalizing it
Me...: ugh
Friend: you had feelings and were trying to control your physical desires, and he was at the opposite end of the spectrum doing whatever he wanted, which bothers you
Me: :(
Me: I HATE GUYS!! Fuckin whores yo!
Me: sorry, no offense
Friend: lol
Friend: so what part are you actually surprised at?
Me: LOL... you're funny
Me: that he messed around PERIOD!
Friend: that surprises you?
Me: And of course w/o a definition of "messed around" I'm thinking the worse most extreme shit
Me: Yes it does. Sad right?
Me: You would think I know better!
Me: I think I put up blinders when it comes to him.... and build him up to be more than he is....
Me: which of course affects my better judgment
Me: if this was some regular n*gga I know, I would think so differently about all that has gone down from the beginning to now and I would instantly label him a liar or a player.
Me: I will continue to pray about it
Me: I'm trying so fuckin hard to be ok, w/o the having feelings for him or anything.
Friend: you will be ok
Friend: so don't worry about that
Me: :) Thank you! I appreciate that.
Friend: ;)
I'm only posting this b/c this friend made me feel better. I was having a really long and annoying day... and Mike's comment didn't help at all. But I asked for the truth and I definitely do appreciate it. It surely puts things in better perspective.
I guess the news surprised me b/c I just figured that.... I guess I figured that being that he (Mike) wasnt.... whatever. It makes no sense to go into it. The point is, I thought that like me he wasn't/ wouldnt be messing around, for reasons I won't mention, but I guess not. A guy will be a guy right? I have a strong sense that he didn't want to be in a relationship not only b/c he didn't have time for it, but really b/c he wasn't ready to have the freedom & luxury of doing him, come to an end. But as I said a lot earlier, I shouldn't care. After all, its not like we're together or he's obligated to be a certain way.
Emotions are one hell of a thing. They feel one way even though the mind knows better.
Live and learn... Everything happens for a reason. I tend to feel now that he isn't the one for me, just b/c..... it wouldn't be like this if he were. People who are 100% about who/what they want "make it happen," period!
For now we remain friends and friends only.
Me: :(
Friend: bad day?
Me: long day but I'm more disturbed by something "Mike" told me earlier, though I shouldn't care at all
Me: I feel like I'm a teenager in high school
Friend: did you have drama like this in high school?
Me: no not really.....welllllllllllllll...... it was alot worse emotionally w/ one person I was blindedly in love w/
Me: Why do we ask questions we don't really want the answers to?
Me: Here's the conversation:
Me:I was going to ask you the most inappropriate question.
Mike: what was the question?
Me: if you had sex since we last did
blah blah blah we had a lil extra conversation in between, and then:
Mike: For your information. No I actually didn't have sex with anyone
Mike: I did mess around though. That's about it
Me: thats between me & him
Me: Why does that bolded part bother me soooooooooooo much?
Me: I'm not supposed to care
Me: yet I felt all types of way after he said it
Me: that shit just killed any type of urge I had to do anything w/ him again
Friend: you know why it bothers you
Me: what kinda psychological shit response is that?
Friend: no psych shit, just being blunt
Me: I shouldn't give a shit though. It shouldn't bother me. But I think it actually hurt my feelings as well.... b/c I was internalizing it
Me...: ugh
Friend: you had feelings and were trying to control your physical desires, and he was at the opposite end of the spectrum doing whatever he wanted, which bothers you
Me: :(
Me: I HATE GUYS!! Fuckin whores yo!
Me: sorry, no offense
Friend: lol
Friend: so what part are you actually surprised at?
Me: LOL... you're funny
Me: that he messed around PERIOD!
Friend: that surprises you?
Me: And of course w/o a definition of "messed around" I'm thinking the worse most extreme shit
Me: Yes it does. Sad right?
Me: You would think I know better!
Me: I think I put up blinders when it comes to him.... and build him up to be more than he is....
Me: which of course affects my better judgment
Me: if this was some regular n*gga I know, I would think so differently about all that has gone down from the beginning to now and I would instantly label him a liar or a player.
Me: I will continue to pray about it
Me: I'm trying so fuckin hard to be ok, w/o the having feelings for him or anything.
Friend: you will be ok
Friend: so don't worry about that
Me: :) Thank you! I appreciate that.
Friend: ;)
I'm only posting this b/c this friend made me feel better. I was having a really long and annoying day... and Mike's comment didn't help at all. But I asked for the truth and I definitely do appreciate it. It surely puts things in better perspective.
I guess the news surprised me b/c I just figured that.... I guess I figured that being that he (Mike) wasnt.... whatever. It makes no sense to go into it. The point is, I thought that like me he wasn't/ wouldnt be messing around, for reasons I won't mention, but I guess not. A guy will be a guy right? I have a strong sense that he didn't want to be in a relationship not only b/c he didn't have time for it, but really b/c he wasn't ready to have the freedom & luxury of doing him, come to an end. But as I said a lot earlier, I shouldn't care. After all, its not like we're together or he's obligated to be a certain way.
Emotions are one hell of a thing. They feel one way even though the mind knows better.
Live and learn... Everything happens for a reason. I tend to feel now that he isn't the one for me, just b/c..... it wouldn't be like this if he were. People who are 100% about who/what they want "make it happen," period!
For now we remain friends and friends only.
Friday, August 22, 2008
My Best Friend Dana & Some Other Topics!
This young lady. I look up to her b/c she's just fantastic. She has the personality of Oprah, Tyra, and a little bit of Wendy Williams in her. She has more than that though, but overall, she's a phenomenal woman. I really couldn't ask for a better friend.
I like her a lot b/c she keeps it very real with me all the time. She does not hesitate to speak her mind about things, especially when it comes to me and/or my actions, whether it will hurt my feelings or not. Now I don't mean she's barberic or anything, lol, but she gets the point out there. She's one of the very few people (well its mainly just her anyway) that can really get through to me when my judgment is clouded. Its weird. She doesn't have to say much, just by her sighs or comments I can tell what she's thinking and then I have a moment of clarity. A realization that what I'm doing is either right/wrong, considerate/inconsiderate, silly/serious.
So I was just taking to her about Mike and explained to her the situation. I guess after reading my previous blogs, one would assume that its a one sided story and I'm the one that's totally into him, while he isn't at all. Correction, for anyone that thinks so. Briefly I'll say this, and its true... yes, he does love me too. He does care about me a lot and he does not want me to be hurt, which is what happens when we have our mini-dramas. Also, he does not want to lose me, but at the same time he just want whats best for me; whatever will make me happy (or not sad). These are all his words, not mine. So just incase anyone thought differently b/c after I read through some of my posts (as if there's so many), I realized that it may see like I'm in love w/ a guy that has no interest in being w/ me. Again, this is not the case. I would go into more detail, but I rather not at the moment, as I am at work. Lets call this blogging time... me taking a cigarette break. I mean people who smoke get a break to smoke, so I should get a break to release my stress too. Although, presently I'm not at all stressed.
So its the weekend and I don't have any real plans. Well I know a few people that would like to hang out with me, but I don't know. We'll see. I actually have work-work to do since I kind of slacked off a bit today. Technically though, its not my fault. My computer has been acting up a lot today and shit has just been broken most of the time I try to test anything so that sucked!
Next topic.... so my bf Dana and some of her friends have decided to go on a weight loss diet with exercising, etc., together. I'm joining them as well. I need to lose 30 pounds and shape up. I'm currently NOT bikini material... but I'm not completely sloppy and disgusting though (even though in my head I think I am). Don't worry, I'm not bulemic or anorexic thinking that I'm fat or anything. I know I can still pass as looking in shape... (that is if you don't see my stomach). Its not too bad compared to others in the world, but to me its UNEXCEPTABLE!! So I hope to really get my shit together b/c whenever next I go on vacation for real, I wanna be confident that I look damn good and can wear whatever I want w/o any problems.
Anyway, its now 6:20pm and I want to leave, but my VP just assigned me a small project to work on. I love it. Friday @ 6:20PM, he sends this my way. I would be a little more upset, but the guilt of not really working that hard today is preventing that from happening. Besides, he's so great... I'd do just about anything (work-related) that he wants b/c lets face it, as long as he's happy, I'm happy. More importantly, my annual review is nearing (its in 3 months), so it doesn't hurt to go the extra mile for him. Not that he's the one conducting my review, but he always tells my boss how great/amazing/(and my personal favorite) glorious he thinks I am & in reference to the work that I do here. So really, it doesn't hurt to keep him happy. But honestly, he's a really cool & down to earth person who is constantly stressed out, so I'm always happy to help him out. Plus I love sarcastic people, which he definitely is. He's also the type of person that you can never really tell just by looking at him that he's extremely pissed off b/c he doesn't really show emotions. Me on the other hand, you can read it all over my face when I'm sad or upset or anything. And if not my face, you can see it in my eyes.
There was an interesting study done on being able to read one's emotions through their eyes even if they displayed no facial expressions. You could still tell. Very interesting Psychology article. Actually I think it was in my Psych book.
Anyway... times up. Its 6:48pm and my VP told me 15mins ago that I could leave, but I just wanted to finish this. I'm about to go have a brief conversation with Dr. K (a co-worker for those who didn't read my previous blog), hop on the train with him (if he's still around actually), and head home.
I can't believe I'm actually blogging. Lol!! This is so hilarious. I never took myself to be a blogger, but it really is good to just get everything all out, even if no one else reads it. But really, I'm just proud of myself for be consistant (thus far) with it. That's pretty cool. I hope I don't get addicted though. Isn't this kind of like talking to yourself, but just on the internet? If I voiced all this aloud as I walked the streets, wouldn't people think I'm crazy? Is this just a way for crazy people to feel sane about talking to themselves? LOL!!
Ok... 6:55pm. Work day's over and I think Dr. K is out already so now I'm out too.
Til next time...
I like her a lot b/c she keeps it very real with me all the time. She does not hesitate to speak her mind about things, especially when it comes to me and/or my actions, whether it will hurt my feelings or not. Now I don't mean she's barberic or anything, lol, but she gets the point out there. She's one of the very few people (well its mainly just her anyway) that can really get through to me when my judgment is clouded. Its weird. She doesn't have to say much, just by her sighs or comments I can tell what she's thinking and then I have a moment of clarity. A realization that what I'm doing is either right/wrong, considerate/inconsiderate, silly/serious.
So I was just taking to her about Mike and explained to her the situation. I guess after reading my previous blogs, one would assume that its a one sided story and I'm the one that's totally into him, while he isn't at all. Correction, for anyone that thinks so. Briefly I'll say this, and its true... yes, he does love me too. He does care about me a lot and he does not want me to be hurt, which is what happens when we have our mini-dramas. Also, he does not want to lose me, but at the same time he just want whats best for me; whatever will make me happy (or not sad). These are all his words, not mine. So just incase anyone thought differently b/c after I read through some of my posts (as if there's so many), I realized that it may see like I'm in love w/ a guy that has no interest in being w/ me. Again, this is not the case. I would go into more detail, but I rather not at the moment, as I am at work. Lets call this blogging time... me taking a cigarette break. I mean people who smoke get a break to smoke, so I should get a break to release my stress too. Although, presently I'm not at all stressed.
So its the weekend and I don't have any real plans. Well I know a few people that would like to hang out with me, but I don't know. We'll see. I actually have work-work to do since I kind of slacked off a bit today. Technically though, its not my fault. My computer has been acting up a lot today and shit has just been broken most of the time I try to test anything so that sucked!
Next topic.... so my bf Dana and some of her friends have decided to go on a weight loss diet with exercising, etc., together. I'm joining them as well. I need to lose 30 pounds and shape up. I'm currently NOT bikini material... but I'm not completely sloppy and disgusting though (even though in my head I think I am). Don't worry, I'm not bulemic or anorexic thinking that I'm fat or anything. I know I can still pass as looking in shape... (that is if you don't see my stomach). Its not too bad compared to others in the world, but to me its UNEXCEPTABLE!! So I hope to really get my shit together b/c whenever next I go on vacation for real, I wanna be confident that I look damn good and can wear whatever I want w/o any problems.
Anyway, its now 6:20pm and I want to leave, but my VP just assigned me a small project to work on. I love it. Friday @ 6:20PM, he sends this my way. I would be a little more upset, but the guilt of not really working that hard today is preventing that from happening. Besides, he's so great... I'd do just about anything (work-related) that he wants b/c lets face it, as long as he's happy, I'm happy. More importantly, my annual review is nearing (its in 3 months), so it doesn't hurt to go the extra mile for him. Not that he's the one conducting my review, but he always tells my boss how great/amazing/(and my personal favorite) glorious he thinks I am & in reference to the work that I do here. So really, it doesn't hurt to keep him happy. But honestly, he's a really cool & down to earth person who is constantly stressed out, so I'm always happy to help him out. Plus I love sarcastic people, which he definitely is. He's also the type of person that you can never really tell just by looking at him that he's extremely pissed off b/c he doesn't really show emotions. Me on the other hand, you can read it all over my face when I'm sad or upset or anything. And if not my face, you can see it in my eyes.
There was an interesting study done on being able to read one's emotions through their eyes even if they displayed no facial expressions. You could still tell. Very interesting Psychology article. Actually I think it was in my Psych book.
Anyway... times up. Its 6:48pm and my VP told me 15mins ago that I could leave, but I just wanted to finish this. I'm about to go have a brief conversation with Dr. K (a co-worker for those who didn't read my previous blog), hop on the train with him (if he's still around actually), and head home.
I can't believe I'm actually blogging. Lol!! This is so hilarious. I never took myself to be a blogger, but it really is good to just get everything all out, even if no one else reads it. But really, I'm just proud of myself for be consistant (thus far) with it. That's pretty cool. I hope I don't get addicted though. Isn't this kind of like talking to yourself, but just on the internet? If I voiced all this aloud as I walked the streets, wouldn't people think I'm crazy? Is this just a way for crazy people to feel sane about talking to themselves? LOL!!
Ok... 6:55pm. Work day's over and I think Dr. K is out already so now I'm out too.
Til next time...
A Better Day!
I'm at work right now. I'm currently very tired and wish I was in bed. I actually got to work early for once (9:58am). My boss is less than thrilled that I arrive at work after 10am so now I have to actually get it together and get here on time. UGH!! I am sooooooo NOT a morning person. Not that if I had to come in in the afternoon I'd be on time anyway. I'm just naturally a late person. I've been trying to work on that forever now. Every job I've had I've arrive late 9/10 times and they let me slide w/ it, so I guess I'm spoiled that way. It's a hard habit to break after so many years, but I'll try b/c I don't wanna upset my boss too much. She's a good person. This just means that I WONT be working extra extra late hours anymore. Well, I probably will seeing as I don't lead an interesting life, yet! Besides, I have this guy (Dr. Krunk) I converse with & at times hang out w/ in the office after work hours anyway. He's required to work late, so its not so bad being here late. We have good conversations and he's currently helping me with a sex product I want to invent. I kind of gave up on it already b/c I'm a bit lazy to go the extra mile to do ALL the required research for the product.
So far we came up with the name of it. That took like 3 late nights to come up with. I have an idea of how I want to market it, but that still needs some work. But before all of that, I need to do research on the type of material I want to be used for this product. Anyway, as I said, I kind of gave up on it. Dr. K was right, it has probably been invented already and out there somewhere. Thats the 1st thing we should've researched but I remember watching an HBO special on sex products and that wasn't on the list so... but enough about this. I gotta get back to work. Well I mean start anyway. LOL
I really don't feel like working today. Oh before I go I'll talk a little about yesterday. It wasn't as bad (emotionally) as the day before. I was busy at work for the most part so I had that distraction, but I had a talk (via IM) with Mike throughout the day about "us" and getting his feedback on what the real deal is. Since we both hate our mini dramas, I figured out a way to stop them permanently... he just need to say 3 words to me (no, not "I love you") & I'll do it. However, he couldn't just say it like that b/c I don't think thats what he really wants, but at the same time its what needs to be done for the drama to stop.
So instead of saying the 3 words he wrote about 3 sentences which basicallly required me to make a decision. After that we both got frustrated and I basically decided that I give up! So now we're officially just friends. About an hour or so after that we were in each others presence (very close too) for about 15mins and with every moment that passed that I wasn't distracted from what I was doing, all my feelings for him would just rush through my body and just hit me & then I'd feel sooo _________ inside for that time, then I'd snap out of it and continue what I was doing. It happened quite frequently. Then I spent an additional 15mins with him commuting home, but that wasn't too intense b/c I made lots of conversation with another friend I met on the train, so that was distracting for the most part.
Usually everytime I see him leave I feel like a part of me is leaving as well, leaving me a little less than complete... and in my mind I'm screaming, "Please don't go." Can you say attachment issues? LOL!! Can you say, seek therapy! Don't worry, I am. But I digress! So yesterday I felt that way too, but w/o the screaming in my head b/c I was working on letting him go. Speaking of which... this is how I'm working on letting him go.
I went home, early for once, excited that I could actually kick back and relax and get a decent nights sleep. Instead of doing just that though, I felt the need to get some stuff off my chest. Share/express my feelings to him via e-mail, in the form of songs w/ my personal commentary before listening to each one. It took 2hrs+ to find the songs that I felt best expressed my thoughts & how I felt (in regards to him). I used 8 songs and this is exactly how I sent them:
Just thought you should know: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fR-e5KJzREc
Another fact to know: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bbl9aNJC2AM&NR=1
When I spent the night w/ you I thought: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vo_0UXRY_rY&feature=related
I really can't..true thing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MxmthbKZYU
Just the chorus of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFjSTUT6XeE
Definitely SOOOOOOOO TRUE: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DyhRsIZWg_c
Well it wasn't the 1st time, but really once I got to know you I knew: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7CJEm906tJY&feature=related
and to end.....
When things are good w/ us: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TDlARx4tkwM&feature=related
I just thought he should have a little insight on my current feelings, but it wasn't intended in any way to attempt to change things between us now. We just have the type of relationship/friendship where we share whatever is on our mind at any time, regardless. I really like that aspect of our friendship.
So as I've been writing this entire new post, I've been listening to these songs. Some repeatedly (i.e. the 4th link- a favorite of mine & the last one... I LOVE that song soooooooooooo much. Its gonna be one of my wedding songs). You know how when you hear certain songs it hits your emotions and you can feel it throughout your entire body & you get goose bumps? Thats the effect that damn near all those songs have on me, especially those 2 I just specified.
Anyway, its getting late in the day and even though I still don't feel like working, I'm gonna start now... and continue to converse w/ Dr. K & others via IM. I have been feeling the urge to go back to school so I'm going to research info about different grad school programs, etc., b/c I just wanna get school over with already.
Well now that I'm well rested and was able to get my thoughts out in this post, I'm feeling better. I'm not super emotional or anything, and the day is looking up. The time now is 12:50pm. The day is somewhat almost over (in my head anyway).
Til next time...
So far we came up with the name of it. That took like 3 late nights to come up with. I have an idea of how I want to market it, but that still needs some work. But before all of that, I need to do research on the type of material I want to be used for this product. Anyway, as I said, I kind of gave up on it. Dr. K was right, it has probably been invented already and out there somewhere. Thats the 1st thing we should've researched but I remember watching an HBO special on sex products and that wasn't on the list so... but enough about this. I gotta get back to work. Well I mean start anyway. LOL
I really don't feel like working today. Oh before I go I'll talk a little about yesterday. It wasn't as bad (emotionally) as the day before. I was busy at work for the most part so I had that distraction, but I had a talk (via IM) with Mike throughout the day about "us" and getting his feedback on what the real deal is. Since we both hate our mini dramas, I figured out a way to stop them permanently... he just need to say 3 words to me (no, not "I love you") & I'll do it. However, he couldn't just say it like that b/c I don't think thats what he really wants, but at the same time its what needs to be done for the drama to stop.
So instead of saying the 3 words he wrote about 3 sentences which basicallly required me to make a decision. After that we both got frustrated and I basically decided that I give up! So now we're officially just friends. About an hour or so after that we were in each others presence (very close too) for about 15mins and with every moment that passed that I wasn't distracted from what I was doing, all my feelings for him would just rush through my body and just hit me & then I'd feel sooo _________ inside for that time, then I'd snap out of it and continue what I was doing. It happened quite frequently. Then I spent an additional 15mins with him commuting home, but that wasn't too intense b/c I made lots of conversation with another friend I met on the train, so that was distracting for the most part.
Usually everytime I see him leave I feel like a part of me is leaving as well, leaving me a little less than complete... and in my mind I'm screaming, "Please don't go." Can you say attachment issues? LOL!! Can you say, seek therapy! Don't worry, I am. But I digress! So yesterday I felt that way too, but w/o the screaming in my head b/c I was working on letting him go. Speaking of which... this is how I'm working on letting him go.
I went home, early for once, excited that I could actually kick back and relax and get a decent nights sleep. Instead of doing just that though, I felt the need to get some stuff off my chest. Share/express my feelings to him via e-mail, in the form of songs w/ my personal commentary before listening to each one. It took 2hrs+ to find the songs that I felt best expressed my thoughts & how I felt (in regards to him). I used 8 songs and this is exactly how I sent them:
Just thought you should know: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fR-e5KJzREc
Another fact to know: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bbl9aNJC2AM&NR=1
When I spent the night w/ you I thought: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vo_0UXRY_rY&feature=related
I really can't..true thing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MxmthbKZYU
Just the chorus of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFjSTUT6XeE
Definitely SOOOOOOOO TRUE: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DyhRsIZWg_c
Well it wasn't the 1st time, but really once I got to know you I knew: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7CJEm906tJY&feature=related
and to end.....
When things are good w/ us: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TDlARx4tkwM&feature=related
I just thought he should have a little insight on my current feelings, but it wasn't intended in any way to attempt to change things between us now. We just have the type of relationship/friendship where we share whatever is on our mind at any time, regardless. I really like that aspect of our friendship.
So as I've been writing this entire new post, I've been listening to these songs. Some repeatedly (i.e. the 4th link- a favorite of mine & the last one... I LOVE that song soooooooooooo much. Its gonna be one of my wedding songs). You know how when you hear certain songs it hits your emotions and you can feel it throughout your entire body & you get goose bumps? Thats the effect that damn near all those songs have on me, especially those 2 I just specified.
Anyway, its getting late in the day and even though I still don't feel like working, I'm gonna start now... and continue to converse w/ Dr. K & others via IM. I have been feeling the urge to go back to school so I'm going to research info about different grad school programs, etc., b/c I just wanna get school over with already.
Well now that I'm well rested and was able to get my thoughts out in this post, I'm feeling better. I'm not super emotional or anything, and the day is looking up. The time now is 12:50pm. The day is somewhat almost over (in my head anyway).
Til next time...
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
What A Shitty Day!
Its 12:30am... I can't believe I'm awake. Well really I can't believe I'm awake updating this blog. Crazy! Anyone that knows me know that I hate getting on the computer after a long day at work being on the computer. But anyway, I came on to I guess just to keep this going.
I had a really long and stressful day today. I'm currently very tired, sleepy and hungry. I'll be having cereal shortly, then going to bed. So yesterday remember I was saying that I wasn't sure if I'd go through with trying to hold on to the guy I've been seeing on the low (lets call him Mike), or just leave us as we now are, "Just Friends?" Well later that night I made a decision, and I sent him a text expressing how I felt. Fortunately he didn't receive it b/c he was in an area w/ no reception, plus his phone is crappy anyway.
I say fortunately b/c what I sent him, which I have saved/locked in my phone, pretty much was just the opposite of what he wants right now. So I guess we shall remain friends. You know, I think he did receive it but just doesn't want to say he did, that way it would be easier for him to I guess break it to me again that he's pretty much tired of our mini-dramas regardless of how I feel. But maybe thats just me being neurotic in thinking so, as he seems to always be honest with me. Now usually, I don't give up on someone I want that easily, however, I think this time I might just let it be.
Today during work, in addition to all the fuckin stress and pressure I had to get this HIGH PRIORITY project done for my bosses, I had to deal with my emotions. I won't lie, I was kind of hurt, which made me sad, and semi-depressed, but I was too busy and angry and stressed (work related reasons) to be depressed.... but I still felt my heart aching inside and I tried to ignore it as best as I could.
Now I talk to Mike on a daily basis, except weekends when he prefers to be left alone (for the most part) b/c he's so busy. So even though I always miss him like crazy, especially on the weekends, I try my best not to call or text him. I give him his space, and I figure hey, if he wanted to talk to me or was thinking about me, he'd call me right?! But I digress! So now we're on this "Just Friends" BS, which if you don't realize by now it's NOT what I want, and I have to try to act like I'm NOT hurt about it. Act like everything is cool and we're cool, etc., etc. I won't lie, it makes me not want to communicate w/ him anymore if I have to fake the funk (as they say). But, at the same time, he is who I speak to the most on a daily basis so I'm used to him and he's kind of my sanity throughout the day. Now, however, things have changed so I can't really be how I used to be with him, and the effect he once had on me is no longer the same b/c there's a cloud of sadness blocking the sunshine he brought into my life everyday.
Its weird... so dramatic. I feel like I've broken up with my significant other and lost a really close friend in the process. How the hell does one go back to Just Friends after we've shared so much more than that, physically and emotionally? How do I look at him as Just a Friend when when I look at him its with pure love and all the emotions inside of me just comes shooting through my body. I feel the love for him w/ every being in my body. Its so strong, just writing about it makes the hair on my arms tingle. Its electric! So if anyone knows how to successfully disregard all of those feelings and be Just Friends, please let me know b/c I need the answer.
I'm so glad I'm more mature now. The younger me would've just found an ex to turn to for the comfort and love that I need, the distraction I need to numb the heartache that I try so hard to deny mentally, but feel it emotionally, and for the sex that I desire. I won't lie, the thought crosses my mind to go that route, but then I remember that I have grown, and that's not the way to deal with my problems. And when I start to think like that, I'm proud of myself for behaving myself. God knows its hard when you're feeling vulnerable, which reminds me of a girl I work with (young lady rather). She's so much like me. We stayed late at work tonight/last night and eventually ended up having a one on one session about guys, relationships, her issues, etc., and as I listened to her speak and expose some of her more vulnerable thoughts, I thought to myself...wow, I can't believe we think so alike and feel the same way about certain things, etc. It was just nice to know that there's someone right there at work that can relate. She's a really cool person. Very nice female. I like her a lot, and I don't often like females (but thats another story).
Well anyway, now that I'm starving and have to be awake and refreshed in 5hrs, I'm gonna get my cereal ready. I hope my day tomorrow, or I should say later today, is better. I'm sure in time I'll be able to be okay with this Just Friends BS, but for now I feel like someone is hitting me in my heart with a ton of bricks everytime I have to have "platonic friends" conversations with him...but really it hits the hardest whenever I see him, which is often enough (its unavoidable). Its like I see him, ALL MY FEELINGS for him rushes throughout my body and my heart starts aching, and then I try to harden it so I don't feel it, but unfortunately most times it doesn't work, so I just have to walk away, or try to keep my distance as often as possible. I can tell from now this is gonna suck! Thank goodness I don't drink! By the way, if you can't tell by now, I'm an overly emotional & sensitive person, and NO, its NOT BY CHOICE!! It's highly annoying, really! But I digress once again...
I'm off to eat & then later to bed. I can't believe its already 1:30am. This blog thing is quite time consuming. I didn't proof read so if someone stumbles upon this and find errors, hey, its late & I'm tired... I got over it.
I had a really long and stressful day today. I'm currently very tired, sleepy and hungry. I'll be having cereal shortly, then going to bed. So yesterday remember I was saying that I wasn't sure if I'd go through with trying to hold on to the guy I've been seeing on the low (lets call him Mike), or just leave us as we now are, "Just Friends?" Well later that night I made a decision, and I sent him a text expressing how I felt. Fortunately he didn't receive it b/c he was in an area w/ no reception, plus his phone is crappy anyway.
I say fortunately b/c what I sent him, which I have saved/locked in my phone, pretty much was just the opposite of what he wants right now. So I guess we shall remain friends. You know, I think he did receive it but just doesn't want to say he did, that way it would be easier for him to I guess break it to me again that he's pretty much tired of our mini-dramas regardless of how I feel. But maybe thats just me being neurotic in thinking so, as he seems to always be honest with me. Now usually, I don't give up on someone I want that easily, however, I think this time I might just let it be.
Today during work, in addition to all the fuckin stress and pressure I had to get this HIGH PRIORITY project done for my bosses, I had to deal with my emotions. I won't lie, I was kind of hurt, which made me sad, and semi-depressed, but I was too busy and angry and stressed (work related reasons) to be depressed.... but I still felt my heart aching inside and I tried to ignore it as best as I could.
Now I talk to Mike on a daily basis, except weekends when he prefers to be left alone (for the most part) b/c he's so busy. So even though I always miss him like crazy, especially on the weekends, I try my best not to call or text him. I give him his space, and I figure hey, if he wanted to talk to me or was thinking about me, he'd call me right?! But I digress! So now we're on this "Just Friends" BS, which if you don't realize by now it's NOT what I want, and I have to try to act like I'm NOT hurt about it. Act like everything is cool and we're cool, etc., etc. I won't lie, it makes me not want to communicate w/ him anymore if I have to fake the funk (as they say). But, at the same time, he is who I speak to the most on a daily basis so I'm used to him and he's kind of my sanity throughout the day. Now, however, things have changed so I can't really be how I used to be with him, and the effect he once had on me is no longer the same b/c there's a cloud of sadness blocking the sunshine he brought into my life everyday.
Its weird... so dramatic. I feel like I've broken up with my significant other and lost a really close friend in the process. How the hell does one go back to Just Friends after we've shared so much more than that, physically and emotionally? How do I look at him as Just a Friend when when I look at him its with pure love and all the emotions inside of me just comes shooting through my body. I feel the love for him w/ every being in my body. Its so strong, just writing about it makes the hair on my arms tingle. Its electric! So if anyone knows how to successfully disregard all of those feelings and be Just Friends, please let me know b/c I need the answer.
I'm so glad I'm more mature now. The younger me would've just found an ex to turn to for the comfort and love that I need, the distraction I need to numb the heartache that I try so hard to deny mentally, but feel it emotionally, and for the sex that I desire. I won't lie, the thought crosses my mind to go that route, but then I remember that I have grown, and that's not the way to deal with my problems. And when I start to think like that, I'm proud of myself for behaving myself. God knows its hard when you're feeling vulnerable, which reminds me of a girl I work with (young lady rather). She's so much like me. We stayed late at work tonight/last night and eventually ended up having a one on one session about guys, relationships, her issues, etc., and as I listened to her speak and expose some of her more vulnerable thoughts, I thought to myself...wow, I can't believe we think so alike and feel the same way about certain things, etc. It was just nice to know that there's someone right there at work that can relate. She's a really cool person. Very nice female. I like her a lot, and I don't often like females (but thats another story).
Well anyway, now that I'm starving and have to be awake and refreshed in 5hrs, I'm gonna get my cereal ready. I hope my day tomorrow, or I should say later today, is better. I'm sure in time I'll be able to be okay with this Just Friends BS, but for now I feel like someone is hitting me in my heart with a ton of bricks everytime I have to have "platonic friends" conversations with him...but really it hits the hardest whenever I see him, which is often enough (its unavoidable). Its like I see him, ALL MY FEELINGS for him rushes throughout my body and my heart starts aching, and then I try to harden it so I don't feel it, but unfortunately most times it doesn't work, so I just have to walk away, or try to keep my distance as often as possible. I can tell from now this is gonna suck! Thank goodness I don't drink! By the way, if you can't tell by now, I'm an overly emotional & sensitive person, and NO, its NOT BY CHOICE!! It's highly annoying, really! But I digress once again...
I'm off to eat & then later to bed. I can't believe its already 1:30am. This blog thing is quite time consuming. I didn't proof read so if someone stumbles upon this and find errors, hey, its late & I'm tired... I got over it.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Heartache
I don't know how this blog thing really works but 2 people have encouraged me to create one, so here I am.
So today I took the day off because I just needed a f**kin break from my daily routine. I just did NOT feel like traveling by train into the city and being at work. Besides, I wasn't feeling that great anyway.
So the heartache. I've been seeing someone on the low for about 2 months now but we've known each other much longer than that. Its great b/c we love each other, etc., but the only thing is that his schedule is quite busy and he really doesn't have time for a relationship, which I eventually would want from him (as I'm getting older and this dating for fun seems like BS when I have a future to plan including having a husband and kids). Recently a tragic event occurred in which he had to deal with, and in the process he pretty much pushed me away to deal w/ it. Don't worry, the tragic event had nothing to do with me. So being the super emotional person I am, I got all my feelings out in an email and knowing that I would probably regret it, I sent it to him.
He responded this morning. After reading it I kind of lost my appetite. He didn't say anything f**ked up or anything, but he pretty much spoke his mind about certain issues and now we're pretty much going to revert back to just friends. We've tried this numerous times with very little success (being just friends). The weird thing about it though is that I know if I don't try to get him back, he'll really try to go through with this "just friends" BS. The question is, should I even try? I mean he's a really great guy an all, marriage material even, but I wonder if we really are better off just being friends now.
See, I've had a bunch of shitty relationships so you know when you find a good person, you should hold on to them? Well thats my take on anything regarding him... he's a great guy, work out whatever problems you guys have, and keep moving forward together. So with that mindframe, I think I should try to hold on to him. However, I'm sure there are other great guys out there so why try to hold on to this one in particular? Hmm... don't know. I think we developed a really close bond and I trust him more than I trust most people. I trust him with my heart & my emotions (which I tell you is no small thing). I tell him more things than I tell most people. And deep down inside, you know when you just KNOW someone is for you? I feel that way about him.
Well anyway, we'll see what happens. I'll be sure to give updates if I have the time.
So today I took the day off because I just needed a f**kin break from my daily routine. I just did NOT feel like traveling by train into the city and being at work. Besides, I wasn't feeling that great anyway.
So the heartache. I've been seeing someone on the low for about 2 months now but we've known each other much longer than that. Its great b/c we love each other, etc., but the only thing is that his schedule is quite busy and he really doesn't have time for a relationship, which I eventually would want from him (as I'm getting older and this dating for fun seems like BS when I have a future to plan including having a husband and kids). Recently a tragic event occurred in which he had to deal with, and in the process he pretty much pushed me away to deal w/ it. Don't worry, the tragic event had nothing to do with me. So being the super emotional person I am, I got all my feelings out in an email and knowing that I would probably regret it, I sent it to him.
He responded this morning. After reading it I kind of lost my appetite. He didn't say anything f**ked up or anything, but he pretty much spoke his mind about certain issues and now we're pretty much going to revert back to just friends. We've tried this numerous times with very little success (being just friends). The weird thing about it though is that I know if I don't try to get him back, he'll really try to go through with this "just friends" BS. The question is, should I even try? I mean he's a really great guy an all, marriage material even, but I wonder if we really are better off just being friends now.
See, I've had a bunch of shitty relationships so you know when you find a good person, you should hold on to them? Well thats my take on anything regarding him... he's a great guy, work out whatever problems you guys have, and keep moving forward together. So with that mindframe, I think I should try to hold on to him. However, I'm sure there are other great guys out there so why try to hold on to this one in particular? Hmm... don't know. I think we developed a really close bond and I trust him more than I trust most people. I trust him with my heart & my emotions (which I tell you is no small thing). I tell him more things than I tell most people. And deep down inside, you know when you just KNOW someone is for you? I feel that way about him.
Well anyway, we'll see what happens. I'll be sure to give updates if I have the time.
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